I just finished reading 'Confess' by Colleen Hoover. I slept so much throughout the day yesterday (I even slept through one meeting!) that I did not want to sleep anymore because I did not want to get a headache. I still felt sleepy even after all that sleeping, but I tried to keep my eyes open until midnight. I was told it is normal to feel sleepy during pregnancy.
Anyways. To keep my eyes open, I continued reading where I left off a few days ago. It is a love story, and hence there are heartbreaks in it. Reading it made me realize, I haven't had the pain of heartbreak for over three years. It's amazing how you forget such a pain exists when you don't feel it anymore. And last night I thought: I never want to feel that pain again. It is the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced, and I don't ever want to go through that again. I am not in other people's shoes, so I do not know how they feel. But for me, not having a mother to take care of me most of my life - not having that shoulder to lean on, that place to pour your heart out, that person to give your heart to, that connection; I did not have any of that. So I expected all those things from my (then) boyfriend instead. Having a boyfriend meant giving my all to that one person, and never looking back. So when my heart broke, everything fell apart. Everything.
When I realized last night that I haven't felt that pain for more than three years, it was such a relief, but at the same time it made me scared. I have been in a comfort zone ever since I met my husband, because I saw and felt how much he loves me. I saw how much he fought for me. And I know how much he will still work hard to make me happy.
He was already asleep beside me when I was thinking all those things. We couldn't cuddle because of the hot weather (we were sweating whenever we touched each other - we practically had to sleep without any clothes on, directly under the ceiling fan just so the heat is at least bearable), so I just put my fingers between his just to feel a little bit of skin contact. I called out his name and he groggily answered "Hmm?" and I said "Please don't leave me" to which of course his reply was "Hmm" because he was 95% asleep.
I love him. I need to be a good wife to him. I want to be a good wife to him. I love you.
Anyways. To keep my eyes open, I continued reading where I left off a few days ago. It is a love story, and hence there are heartbreaks in it. Reading it made me realize, I haven't had the pain of heartbreak for over three years. It's amazing how you forget such a pain exists when you don't feel it anymore. And last night I thought: I never want to feel that pain again. It is the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced, and I don't ever want to go through that again. I am not in other people's shoes, so I do not know how they feel. But for me, not having a mother to take care of me most of my life - not having that shoulder to lean on, that place to pour your heart out, that person to give your heart to, that connection; I did not have any of that. So I expected all those things from my (then) boyfriend instead. Having a boyfriend meant giving my all to that one person, and never looking back. So when my heart broke, everything fell apart. Everything.
When I realized last night that I haven't felt that pain for more than three years, it was such a relief, but at the same time it made me scared. I have been in a comfort zone ever since I met my husband, because I saw and felt how much he loves me. I saw how much he fought for me. And I know how much he will still work hard to make me happy.
He was already asleep beside me when I was thinking all those things. We couldn't cuddle because of the hot weather (we were sweating whenever we touched each other - we practically had to sleep without any clothes on, directly under the ceiling fan just so the heat is at least bearable), so I just put my fingers between his just to feel a little bit of skin contact. I called out his name and he groggily answered "Hmm?" and I said "Please don't leave me" to which of course his reply was "Hmm" because he was 95% asleep.
I love him. I need to be a good wife to him. I want to be a good wife to him. I love you.
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